Lysistrata's Journal

This past week has been one of the most surreal of my life. I can't remember the last time I felt so many different emotions so close together.

It all started on Monday during the weekly department meeting. I found out that 3 of my coworkers were laid off. Basically, they were called into an office and told their job was eliminated. Effective immediately. Pack your stuff and go. Don't even finish the day. One had been here close to 30 years. It was all related to corporate getting rid of 1000 jobs. No one was expecting this.

Naturally, you start to feel the fear, the uncertainty. Could I be next? Am I valuable at all to this place that I've dedicated 8 years of my life to? And I did feel the uncertainty and concern for those that were already gone. But, the odd thing was, I didn't feel the fear. If they called me in and said, "We don't need you anymore", I don't think I would break down. I would obviously be worried about the paycheck part, but I realized that I wouldn't be upset about not doing my job there anymore.

I just don't have the passion for it anymore.

In the past couple of weeks, I've felt a stirring within me. To do something more. Something different. A coworker and I have been talking about leaving this little town and starting over, finding our passion once again. We've finally settled on L.A. which is quite a leap for me as I've never wanted to live there my entire life. But now, it feels like the only place I could want to go. But this is a whole other entry entirely.

Back to the past week.

So Monday was about the uncertainty and concern. Tuesday was about the awakening. After realizing and accepting that I didn't want to do my current job anymore and embracing my desire to move away, I felt this incredible high. It was frustrating and exhilarating and freeing and incredibly manic. As I was driving home from work, I suddenly pulled onto the interstate and started driving north. I didn't want to stop. I called a friend who lives in Atlanta to tell him of my plans. And I couldn't talk fast enough or say the right words to explain what was happening to me. I still can't. Thankfully, he seemed to get it. Regrettably, I forced myself to turn around and drive home.

Wednesday was the courage day. I took my second set of headshots and although I had had little confidence on my skills, they turned out wonderful. That evening, we had our quarterly staff meeting at work. The first item on the agenda was to talk about the changes going through the station. As the general manager spoke, she never mentioned those that we had lost the week prior. I looked around me at all my coworkers who faces showed the fear and uncertainty that I didn't share, and I felt so bad for them. You could practically hear the thoughts screaming in their heads. The GM asked if there were any questions.

And no one said anything.

Everyone knew that everyone wanted answers, but no one spoke. It was so frustrating. And then, out of nowhere, I just blurted out the questions: "Are we next? Should we be worried? What can we do to save ourselves?" I could hear people pulling in small gasps and turning to stare at me. Some just stopped breathing altogether. Now, when I think about it, I feel like laughing. It seems like such a silly response to questions that everyone was thinking.

The general manager turned to me and smiled. "Thank you for that," she said. She continued on and spoke about training and job skills and what we could do to strengthen our own job security, but I already knew the answers. I just wanted to make sure that everyone else knew them as well. They needed something to calm the panicking that had been building the past week.

Afterwards, she sat down next to me while the meeting continued. She pulled out a pen and discreetly began writing on a sheet of paper. I could still feel people glancing over at me, especially now that the boss was sitting with me. After she finished writing, she gently nudged my arm and pulled the paper closer to me.

Thank you for asking such difficult questions.

Then, after the meeting, she thanked me again. Several people came to me and told me I was brave. What a funny thing to say! I thought. Somebody had to ask the questions. It just turned out to be me.

But I did begin to feel a little pride.

However, the evening decided to it had a little more in store for me.
(To be cont.)

~Lys