Lysistrata's Journal

I do believe I'm a little bit in love.

I have just recently discovered the Twilight series of books by Stephenie Meyer. Well, I take that back. I've known about the series for a while, but I've just finally gotten around to buying and reading them. I used to be a pretty avid reader, but for the past several years, nothing has really ever held my attention for too long. I've never been able to get into the Harry Potter books(suppose I should return my borrowed copy back to Mo), and nothing has ever really interested me that much lately.

But then I started to read Twilight, the first book in the series.

I finished in 3 days. And that was while reading it in spurts, and that wasn't by choice. Had I the choice, I would've skipped work, sleep, meals, ANY annoying human ritual that kept me away from my precious Edward and Bella. Had I the choice, I would've finished in a night. And then read it again to lengthen the initial experience.

Before I finished the first book, I went and bought the second one, New Moon, because I knew the moment I read the last page of Twilight, I would have to start reading the next one. Then, while at the grocery store a day later, I bought the fourth book. Since it had just been released it was on sale. This was a bit of a mistake on my part because I started reading both at the same time.

I wish I could understand what it was that pulled me in so strongly. I sit here, even now, and I feel like I've been awakened. Like I've been living in some sort of haze for such a long time. It's hard for me to put into words what this past week has felt like to me.

I just...feel like I've fallen in love.

The basis of the story is a human girl, Bella, falls in love with a vampire, Edward. It's much like Romeo and Juliet. Very simple actually.

It's a true love story. It feels very familiar and very painful. And it reminds me of someone.

It reminds me of him.

It's amazing how I'm finding it difficult to type -or even think- his name. It was so long ago that I shouldn't have a problem. I should be over this. But my fingers are hesitating. It's suddenly become incredibly difficult to type. I just don't know what to say.

I realize what has pulled me in. I know what was on the other side of the haze and why I stayed immersed in the fog. And it scares me.

I wrote about our story once in another blog I used to keep. I used to have frequent dreams about him, and I was hoping that by purging the memories I could get rid of the dreams. It worked, but not in the way I'd hoped. My brain apparently just suppressed the emotions behind the dreams. I guess my subconscious realized I wasn't able to come to terms with the reality of the situation: that a large part of me still missed him, was still hurting...and was still in love with him.

And then this damn book came along.

I've been thinking about him frequently over the past week, usually when I'm not reading the books that remind me of him. And I'm remembering so many things that I'd forgotten. It's all been so easy to recall, too. I can close my eyes and see millions of exact moments we shared. I can't think of any other memories that are so full of color, sound, smell. It's as if I have a photographic memory, but only about one subject.

Of course, in my stubbornness I've been trying to think about the bad times. Those times when there were arguments and fights and anything that could make it feel like I'd simply lost another boyfriend. That it just didn't work out with someone and we both would just move on.

Anything to keep me from realizing that I've lost true love.

In the second book Edward leaves Bella. He's afraid that being around her is too dangerous for her and that her life would be better if he wasn't there. Her reaction is heartbreaking and all too familiar. It's been hard to read because I know exactly how she feels, and, unfortunately, I'm feeling it all over again.

I think I know why I've become so obsessed with these books. I can immerse myself in her story, feel her love and rejoice in the happy ending she has coming. I can wrap around me the bliss of her true love and pretend it's mine. I can feel all those warm, perfect moments of him and imagine that they're never going to end even when I know they did so long ago. Even when I know true love was once mine, but is now lost.

Because my Edward is not coming back.

My first statement above is true. I am in love. And apparently, I've been in love for a long time.