Lysistrata's Journal

This past week has been one of the most surreal of my life. I can't remember the last time I felt so many different emotions so close together.

It all started on Monday during the weekly department meeting. I found out that 3 of my coworkers were laid off. Basically, they were called into an office and told their job was eliminated. Effective immediately. Pack your stuff and go. Don't even finish the day. One had been here close to 30 years. It was all related to corporate getting rid of 1000 jobs. No one was expecting this.

Naturally, you start to feel the fear, the uncertainty. Could I be next? Am I valuable at all to this place that I've dedicated 8 years of my life to? And I did feel the uncertainty and concern for those that were already gone. But, the odd thing was, I didn't feel the fear. If they called me in and said, "We don't need you anymore", I don't think I would break down. I would obviously be worried about the paycheck part, but I realized that I wouldn't be upset about not doing my job there anymore.

I just don't have the passion for it anymore.

In the past couple of weeks, I've felt a stirring within me. To do something more. Something different. A coworker and I have been talking about leaving this little town and starting over, finding our passion once again. We've finally settled on L.A. which is quite a leap for me as I've never wanted to live there my entire life. But now, it feels like the only place I could want to go. But this is a whole other entry entirely.

Back to the past week.

So Monday was about the uncertainty and concern. Tuesday was about the awakening. After realizing and accepting that I didn't want to do my current job anymore and embracing my desire to move away, I felt this incredible high. It was frustrating and exhilarating and freeing and incredibly manic. As I was driving home from work, I suddenly pulled onto the interstate and started driving north. I didn't want to stop. I called a friend who lives in Atlanta to tell him of my plans. And I couldn't talk fast enough or say the right words to explain what was happening to me. I still can't. Thankfully, he seemed to get it. Regrettably, I forced myself to turn around and drive home.

Wednesday was the courage day. I took my second set of headshots and although I had had little confidence on my skills, they turned out wonderful. That evening, we had our quarterly staff meeting at work. The first item on the agenda was to talk about the changes going through the station. As the general manager spoke, she never mentioned those that we had lost the week prior. I looked around me at all my coworkers who faces showed the fear and uncertainty that I didn't share, and I felt so bad for them. You could practically hear the thoughts screaming in their heads. The GM asked if there were any questions.

And no one said anything.

Everyone knew that everyone wanted answers, but no one spoke. It was so frustrating. And then, out of nowhere, I just blurted out the questions: "Are we next? Should we be worried? What can we do to save ourselves?" I could hear people pulling in small gasps and turning to stare at me. Some just stopped breathing altogether. Now, when I think about it, I feel like laughing. It seems like such a silly response to questions that everyone was thinking.

The general manager turned to me and smiled. "Thank you for that," she said. She continued on and spoke about training and job skills and what we could do to strengthen our own job security, but I already knew the answers. I just wanted to make sure that everyone else knew them as well. They needed something to calm the panicking that had been building the past week.

Afterwards, she sat down next to me while the meeting continued. She pulled out a pen and discreetly began writing on a sheet of paper. I could still feel people glancing over at me, especially now that the boss was sitting with me. After she finished writing, she gently nudged my arm and pulled the paper closer to me.

Thank you for asking such difficult questions.

Then, after the meeting, she thanked me again. Several people came to me and told me I was brave. What a funny thing to say! I thought. Somebody had to ask the questions. It just turned out to be me.

But I did begin to feel a little pride.

However, the evening decided to it had a little more in store for me.
(To be cont.)

~Lys

I do believe I'm a little bit in love.

I have just recently discovered the Twilight series of books by Stephenie Meyer. Well, I take that back. I've known about the series for a while, but I've just finally gotten around to buying and reading them. I used to be a pretty avid reader, but for the past several years, nothing has really ever held my attention for too long. I've never been able to get into the Harry Potter books(suppose I should return my borrowed copy back to Mo), and nothing has ever really interested me that much lately.

But then I started to read Twilight, the first book in the series.

I finished in 3 days. And that was while reading it in spurts, and that wasn't by choice. Had I the choice, I would've skipped work, sleep, meals, ANY annoying human ritual that kept me away from my precious Edward and Bella. Had I the choice, I would've finished in a night. And then read it again to lengthen the initial experience.

Before I finished the first book, I went and bought the second one, New Moon, because I knew the moment I read the last page of Twilight, I would have to start reading the next one. Then, while at the grocery store a day later, I bought the fourth book. Since it had just been released it was on sale. This was a bit of a mistake on my part because I started reading both at the same time.

I wish I could understand what it was that pulled me in so strongly. I sit here, even now, and I feel like I've been awakened. Like I've been living in some sort of haze for such a long time. It's hard for me to put into words what this past week has felt like to me.

I just...feel like I've fallen in love.

The basis of the story is a human girl, Bella, falls in love with a vampire, Edward. It's much like Romeo and Juliet. Very simple actually.

It's a true love story. It feels very familiar and very painful. And it reminds me of someone.

It reminds me of him.

It's amazing how I'm finding it difficult to type -or even think- his name. It was so long ago that I shouldn't have a problem. I should be over this. But my fingers are hesitating. It's suddenly become incredibly difficult to type. I just don't know what to say.

I realize what has pulled me in. I know what was on the other side of the haze and why I stayed immersed in the fog. And it scares me.

I wrote about our story once in another blog I used to keep. I used to have frequent dreams about him, and I was hoping that by purging the memories I could get rid of the dreams. It worked, but not in the way I'd hoped. My brain apparently just suppressed the emotions behind the dreams. I guess my subconscious realized I wasn't able to come to terms with the reality of the situation: that a large part of me still missed him, was still hurting...and was still in love with him.

And then this damn book came along.

I've been thinking about him frequently over the past week, usually when I'm not reading the books that remind me of him. And I'm remembering so many things that I'd forgotten. It's all been so easy to recall, too. I can close my eyes and see millions of exact moments we shared. I can't think of any other memories that are so full of color, sound, smell. It's as if I have a photographic memory, but only about one subject.

Of course, in my stubbornness I've been trying to think about the bad times. Those times when there were arguments and fights and anything that could make it feel like I'd simply lost another boyfriend. That it just didn't work out with someone and we both would just move on.

Anything to keep me from realizing that I've lost true love.

In the second book Edward leaves Bella. He's afraid that being around her is too dangerous for her and that her life would be better if he wasn't there. Her reaction is heartbreaking and all too familiar. It's been hard to read because I know exactly how she feels, and, unfortunately, I'm feeling it all over again.

I think I know why I've become so obsessed with these books. I can immerse myself in her story, feel her love and rejoice in the happy ending she has coming. I can wrap around me the bliss of her true love and pretend it's mine. I can feel all those warm, perfect moments of him and imagine that they're never going to end even when I know they did so long ago. Even when I know true love was once mine, but is now lost.

Because my Edward is not coming back.

My first statement above is true. I am in love. And apparently, I've been in love for a long time.

Yeah, well that went over like a bag of bricks. So much for me posting on a regular basis again. I'll obviously have to work on that.

I'll just add it to the list.

That very LOOOOOOONNNNGGG list of things that need to change around here.